I am so over hating on Facebook. I am on it all the time, I think it's pretty clear that I love almost everything about it.
Notice that word which was only included to excuse what's about to happen: "almost".
I do not see the point of this weird little addition that is rising in popularity: the little button you can push on people's profiles so they know that you "LIKE THIS!" (In German, it's "gefällt dies!", which I kind of like better). It's not like you're giving any sort of actual feedback on the thing you like; on the contrary, reading these feeds usually leaves me wondering... "why!?" WHY do people like that certain people have become friends? WHY does someone like that Hailey was test driving her bike?
Last night I dreamt that I found my turquoise hat.
Sunday, February 22, 2009
Wednesday, February 18, 2009
Hallelujah.
Blessed with an immersion blender, I am learning how to make tomato bisque soup tonight, an achievement I plan on replicating several times in the near future. I need to branch out, cooking wise. It would be nice to have at least one acceptable meal in my repertoire.
This computer is set in a different language, and there is no auto-spelling checks. I am not excited about the fact that I'm exposing my potential spelling-loserdom.
Great things have been happening lately. Every time I see something that strikes me as beautiful, I reach for my pen and paper rather than feel my eyes start to water. I can laugh again. Not just distractedly chuckle -- I can look into someone's eyes as they speak, and produce a laugh that begins somewhere beyond the base of my tongue. I feel helpful sometimes, which is laughable, but I still feel it, and that is what matters at the moment. First I need to feel it. Everything else can come later.
Is that ridiculous?
This computer is set in a different language, and there is no auto-spelling checks. I am not excited about the fact that I'm exposing my potential spelling-loserdom.
Great things have been happening lately. Every time I see something that strikes me as beautiful, I reach for my pen and paper rather than feel my eyes start to water. I can laugh again. Not just distractedly chuckle -- I can look into someone's eyes as they speak, and produce a laugh that begins somewhere beyond the base of my tongue. I feel helpful sometimes, which is laughable, but I still feel it, and that is what matters at the moment. First I need to feel it. Everything else can come later.
Is that ridiculous?
Tuesday, February 17, 2009
I just heard
an absolutely beautiful short story for the second time.
It's the last act of the Numbers episode of This American Life, about 40 minutes in.
I'm writing practice articles about blasphemy for hopeful publication and payment. It's great fun, I have to say. I feel like some kind of rad member of society who works from home, instead of a loser sitting at 2pm in her pajamas on her boyfriend's floor.
It's the last act of the Numbers episode of This American Life, about 40 minutes in.
I'm writing practice articles about blasphemy for hopeful publication and payment. It's great fun, I have to say. I feel like some kind of rad member of society who works from home, instead of a loser sitting at 2pm in her pajamas on her boyfriend's floor.
Monday, February 16, 2009
I demand!
Anxiety, be gone!
Fortunately, long walks and fruits are cure-alls, and I have time for both.
I can't put my feelings into simple language, which is why I don't understand what's happening in my own mind. Fortunately, my mouth and my brain have found mediation -- a translator -- just like in Metropolis.
Exhaustion seems to have taken over my body, outfitting me every day with a pale face. Still, I will write my article about blasphemy, and find something clean to wear; shower every discontent off the surface of my skin.
Fortunately, long walks and fruits are cure-alls, and I have time for both.
I can't put my feelings into simple language, which is why I don't understand what's happening in my own mind. Fortunately, my mouth and my brain have found mediation -- a translator -- just like in Metropolis.
Exhaustion seems to have taken over my body, outfitting me every day with a pale face. Still, I will write my article about blasphemy, and find something clean to wear; shower every discontent off the surface of my skin.
Thursday, February 12, 2009
Konstanz
When I woke up this morning, it was snowing. By the time I left the indoors, shiney sun and wet sidewalks.
On the nine hour train ride yesterday, I read for about an hour. The rest of the time I just gnawed on the various foodstuffs I had picked from the train station grocery store, and stared out the window, daydreaming. I wrote the strangest things in my diary.
Something I saw on the way here jerked back a memory from when I was younger, much younger. It was a factory or something, it doesn't matter, with a smokestack (is that an outdated term?) breathing enormous masses of white steam into the air. The clouds were perfectly formed to welcome the white bellows into their masses. They were low to the ground, but distinctly white and individual. I saw it and thought of a building I used to drive past, in the back seat of my parents' car. With no idea what happened in the building, I called it The Cloud Factory, and I almost really thought that's why it was there. It was either on the way to San Francisco or to Fort Bragg -- I feel like it was the latter, but I can't imagine where on that route it was. If it was on the way to San Francisco, it's the place I now call Atlantis, because I think it has a particularly submerged look. I mean, I can imagine finding it while snorkling.
I bought peaches, blueberries, and cardamom. When those ingredients blend with honey, deliciousness ensues.
On the nine hour train ride yesterday, I read for about an hour. The rest of the time I just gnawed on the various foodstuffs I had picked from the train station grocery store, and stared out the window, daydreaming. I wrote the strangest things in my diary.
Something I saw on the way here jerked back a memory from when I was younger, much younger. It was a factory or something, it doesn't matter, with a smokestack (is that an outdated term?) breathing enormous masses of white steam into the air. The clouds were perfectly formed to welcome the white bellows into their masses. They were low to the ground, but distinctly white and individual. I saw it and thought of a building I used to drive past, in the back seat of my parents' car. With no idea what happened in the building, I called it The Cloud Factory, and I almost really thought that's why it was there. It was either on the way to San Francisco or to Fort Bragg -- I feel like it was the latter, but I can't imagine where on that route it was. If it was on the way to San Francisco, it's the place I now call Atlantis, because I think it has a particularly submerged look. I mean, I can imagine finding it while snorkling.
I bought peaches, blueberries, and cardamom. When those ingredients blend with honey, deliciousness ensues.
Tuesday, February 10, 2009
Fraudulent activity!
4:30am- awoke, terrified that someone was standing on my balcony.
4:45am- talked to Deniz and Brenda on Skype
5:30am- started watching 30Rock
6am- Ruth finally woke up. Talked to her in the kitchen.
6:30am- tried and failed to go back to sleep.
7am- gave up on sleeping. Showered and got dressed.
8:15am- left the house to go to the internet Cafe down the street and buy a train ticket to Konstanz. Although it opens at 8, there was a severe lockdown situation.
8:30am- bought minutes for my phone. WITHDREW MONEY (this is important later). Bought food for train.
8:55am- arrived at train station. Tried to buy a ticket to Konstanz from a machine and ended up with a ticket to Stuttgart.
9am- tried to buy the correct ticket from an actual person, who told me my card was not working.
9:05am- walked 20 feet to another ATM, where a bold message read "YOUR CARD IS NOT ALLOWED AT THIS MACHINE".
9:07am- sat down and had a frustrated cry.
9:30am- got back to Deutsche Bank and tried again at the same ATM. "CARD NOT ALLOWED"
10am- got back to the internet cafe. Tried to buy ticket online, which also failed.
10:30am- went home and went back to sleep.
2pm- woke up
...
6:30pm- called Bank of America. A lady told me that my card has been frozen because of suspicious activity, and asked me, "Did you tell your bank that you were going to be abroad?"
I said, "No, but I've been here for six months without any problems."
She said, "Hm," and transferred me somewhere else.
I am now on hold.
6:54pm- still on hold.
4:45am- talked to Deniz and Brenda on Skype
5:30am- started watching 30Rock
6am- Ruth finally woke up. Talked to her in the kitchen.
6:30am- tried and failed to go back to sleep.
7am- gave up on sleeping. Showered and got dressed.
8:15am- left the house to go to the internet Cafe down the street and buy a train ticket to Konstanz. Although it opens at 8, there was a severe lockdown situation.
8:30am- bought minutes for my phone. WITHDREW MONEY (this is important later). Bought food for train.
8:55am- arrived at train station. Tried to buy a ticket to Konstanz from a machine and ended up with a ticket to Stuttgart.
9am- tried to buy the correct ticket from an actual person, who told me my card was not working.
9:05am- walked 20 feet to another ATM, where a bold message read "YOUR CARD IS NOT ALLOWED AT THIS MACHINE".
9:07am- sat down and had a frustrated cry.
9:30am- got back to Deutsche Bank and tried again at the same ATM. "CARD NOT ALLOWED"
10am- got back to the internet cafe. Tried to buy ticket online, which also failed.
10:30am- went home and went back to sleep.
2pm- woke up
...
6:30pm- called Bank of America. A lady told me that my card has been frozen because of suspicious activity, and asked me, "Did you tell your bank that you were going to be abroad?"
I said, "No, but I've been here for six months without any problems."
She said, "Hm," and transferred me somewhere else.
I am now on hold.
6:54pm- still on hold.
Friday, February 6, 2009
FK
I'm talking on the phone to this asshole I call a boyfriend. He is questioning my English language skills and complaining that he's not mentioned in my blog.
The man in question:
New things I did today:
-Went to the amazing Turkish Market
-Learned a legitimate swimming stroke from an actual instructor
The man in question:
New things I did today:
-Went to the amazing Turkish Market
-Learned a legitimate swimming stroke from an actual instructor
Thursday, February 5, 2009
New things every day.
They're not big things, but it's satisfying.
Sunday, I went on a long walk in Grunewald, an area I've never been to before. Monday, Ruth and I went to one of those places where you paint your own ceramics and spent almost three hours completely engrossed in the activity, surrounded by the 5-year-olds who were doing the same thing. Today, going to Lauren's house for dinner.
Sunday, I went on a long walk in Grunewald, an area I've never been to before. Monday, Ruth and I went to one of those places where you paint your own ceramics and spent almost three hours completely engrossed in the activity, surrounded by the 5-year-olds who were doing the same thing. Today, going to Lauren's house for dinner.
Wednesday, February 4, 2009
The people who read my blog...
have the privilege (is it really?) of knowing what's going on in my life.
The e-mail I sent my parents:
Hey guys. Sorry Mama, I couldn't make it onto Facebook this mornin' before school. I've just decided to e-mail you what's going on so that you don't have to freak out anymore, and I don't have to be scared shitless to talk to ya'll.
Actually, I'm not as scared as I was yesterday. I started exercising every day (swimming!), and realized that for the first time, I can basically meditate while I'm doing it and really figure things out in my own head. The only thing I was scared of is not knowing how you would react, and this whole email thing takes away that fear, so I can be really be clear. It also keeps me from crying which I tend to do no matter what when I'm frustrated, as you probably know.
My thesis statement: I've decided to take a hiatus from University and stay in Germany for longer than the originally planned year.
Okay, to be clear. This hiatus does NOT mean that I'm going to stop studying. However, after spending another month in this FU-BEST program, I realized that it's the only thing that makes me miserable around here. I've expressed some of my frustrations with it before: they don't care that much about the language program, they make you spend insane amounts of time with other americans, etc. Also, I realized that none of the classes that I'm taking or could be taking count for any sort of credit toward my degree. Although nothing is final, I've already sent e-mails to my professors and the admissions director telling her I am planning on cancelling my participation. Considering the money for this semester, I don't know exactly how much you guys are paying out of pocket, but I plan on paying you back for that amount as quickly as possible. If it's the school loans that pay, I'll pay those back anyway. And I just want to make clear, this isn't because I'm doing badly academically; I actually got good grades last semester, like usual.
After my participation in this program is finished, I have two options depending on what happens with my student visa. One: I get a job until summer (which yes, I am legally allowed to do with my student visa), when I can either begin an intensive German course in June or in August. Two: in the case of my visa getting taken away, I would need to start my intensive German course as soon as I could, since I can get another student visa through that program. The language center I'm looking at costs about $550 for three months, and I would prefer to work for a while first, since I would like to be able to pay for it myself. After I take German language classes for a while, I want to study to take a fluency test that allows you to enroll in any German university. When I've taken these classes (which shouldn't take years or anything, so this is actually realistic), I want to enroll into a teacher training program and learn how to be an English as a Foreign Language teacher, which is something I've been toying with for the past 5 months. Then, I could try to get a job as a teacher, and if I can't find work, I'll at least be academically fluent in German AND a certified teacher!
Basically, my reasoning for this is that I've kind of been miserable with school since I entered university (and kind of in high school too). I'm really not just being dramatic here: I've never really felt like I was making a decision until I thought of the above plan. I've always just kind of done what was easiest for me: graduated high school after four years in the same school, started university the next semester, blah blah blah. Honestly, I've always wanted to do something different, something that I felt something for, and really wanted to do. As my parents, I'm sure you've noticed that when something doesn't interest me, I have negative motivation, whereas when something inspires me, I really commit. I am sick of not feeling anything for school, and I want to be motivated. Sitting in these classes that I know I don't need makes my schooling feel pointless. Also, I'm just not sure I want to study English Literature. I love reading, and I love writing, but I don't know what I really want my course of study to be. I always find that when I tell people what I'm studying, even I feel like the topic I'm saying out loud is a bit... dull. Essentially, I just want to feel passionately about something.
I also know that with this program, I'm absolutely not gaining fluency in German. The only thing that really helps me is talking to other people and studying new grammar rules from my book. That, as I said before I left, is the reason I came to Germany. I don't want to beef up my language skills while I'm here, then come back home and see them evaporate back into basic knowledge. I want to be sure of myself when speaking, and have this test prove to me that I am not just verbally fluent in this language, but can be intelligent. Right now, I talk like a creepy baby with a mature vocabulary.
I'm not sure what I left out, but I'm sure I forgot something. I'm sorry to do this over e-mail, but I was just getting more and more nervous to talk to you, and I wanted to tell you what was going on before I talked to the administrations at my program. Like I said, I don't know if you'll be angry, disappointed, or supportive, which is what scared me most of all. The only thing I can hope is that I did an articulate job of explaining myself, so at the very least, you'll understand what my motivation is. You've done well enough as parents for me to know that you'll always love me, I just really want you to be proud of the decisions I'm making for myself, especially because I'm scared to start a different course. I am proud of myself, though, for doing something about being unhappy. I don't really feel like I've ever done that before.
I love you guys!
Jordi
The e-mail I sent my parents:
Hey guys. Sorry Mama, I couldn't make it onto Facebook this mornin' before school. I've just decided to e-mail you what's going on so that you don't have to freak out anymore, and I don't have to be scared shitless to talk to ya'll.
Actually, I'm not as scared as I was yesterday. I started exercising every day (swimming!), and realized that for the first time, I can basically meditate while I'm doing it and really figure things out in my own head. The only thing I was scared of is not knowing how you would react, and this whole email thing takes away that fear, so I can be really be clear. It also keeps me from crying which I tend to do no matter what when I'm frustrated, as you probably know.
My thesis statement: I've decided to take a hiatus from University and stay in Germany for longer than the originally planned year.
Okay, to be clear. This hiatus does NOT mean that I'm going to stop studying. However, after spending another month in this FU-BEST program, I realized that it's the only thing that makes me miserable around here. I've expressed some of my frustrations with it before: they don't care that much about the language program, they make you spend insane amounts of time with other americans, etc. Also, I realized that none of the classes that I'm taking or could be taking count for any sort of credit toward my degree. Although nothing is final, I've already sent e-mails to my professors and the admissions director telling her I am planning on cancelling my participation. Considering the money for this semester, I don't know exactly how much you guys are paying out of pocket, but I plan on paying you back for that amount as quickly as possible. If it's the school loans that pay, I'll pay those back anyway. And I just want to make clear, this isn't because I'm doing badly academically; I actually got good grades last semester, like usual.
After my participation in this program is finished, I have two options depending on what happens with my student visa. One: I get a job until summer (which yes, I am legally allowed to do with my student visa), when I can either begin an intensive German course in June or in August. Two: in the case of my visa getting taken away, I would need to start my intensive German course as soon as I could, since I can get another student visa through that program. The language center I'm looking at costs about $550 for three months, and I would prefer to work for a while first, since I would like to be able to pay for it myself. After I take German language classes for a while, I want to study to take a fluency test that allows you to enroll in any German university. When I've taken these classes (which shouldn't take years or anything, so this is actually realistic), I want to enroll into a teacher training program and learn how to be an English as a Foreign Language teacher, which is something I've been toying with for the past 5 months. Then, I could try to get a job as a teacher, and if I can't find work, I'll at least be academically fluent in German AND a certified teacher!
Basically, my reasoning for this is that I've kind of been miserable with school since I entered university (and kind of in high school too). I'm really not just being dramatic here: I've never really felt like I was making a decision until I thought of the above plan. I've always just kind of done what was easiest for me: graduated high school after four years in the same school, started university the next semester, blah blah blah. Honestly, I've always wanted to do something different, something that I felt something for, and really wanted to do. As my parents, I'm sure you've noticed that when something doesn't interest me, I have negative motivation, whereas when something inspires me, I really commit. I am sick of not feeling anything for school, and I want to be motivated. Sitting in these classes that I know I don't need makes my schooling feel pointless. Also, I'm just not sure I want to study English Literature. I love reading, and I love writing, but I don't know what I really want my course of study to be. I always find that when I tell people what I'm studying, even I feel like the topic I'm saying out loud is a bit... dull. Essentially, I just want to feel passionately about something.
I also know that with this program, I'm absolutely not gaining fluency in German. The only thing that really helps me is talking to other people and studying new grammar rules from my book. That, as I said before I left, is the reason I came to Germany. I don't want to beef up my language skills while I'm here, then come back home and see them evaporate back into basic knowledge. I want to be sure of myself when speaking, and have this test prove to me that I am not just verbally fluent in this language, but can be intelligent. Right now, I talk like a creepy baby with a mature vocabulary.
I'm not sure what I left out, but I'm sure I forgot something. I'm sorry to do this over e-mail, but I was just getting more and more nervous to talk to you, and I wanted to tell you what was going on before I talked to the administrations at my program. Like I said, I don't know if you'll be angry, disappointed, or supportive, which is what scared me most of all. The only thing I can hope is that I did an articulate job of explaining myself, so at the very least, you'll understand what my motivation is. You've done well enough as parents for me to know that you'll always love me, I just really want you to be proud of the decisions I'm making for myself, especially because I'm scared to start a different course. I am proud of myself, though, for doing something about being unhappy. I don't really feel like I've ever done that before.
I love you guys!
Jordi
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