The Milgram Cashout.

Getting my life on track. Going places. I gots me a new job, and a fancy new boyfriend. Really, he's very high tech. Just got a new robot part added yesterday.

I'm trapped between my ringing ears. I have the bad habit of containing my entire self inside my head. It triggers my claustrophobia, and the only cure is to release it, either out of my mouth in words, or through my eyes in tears. I've been begging for a catharsis, and I thought when I started crying something would change. Now I'm sitting here with stained cheeks, still longing for an escape, still wishing that speaking out loud to no one would provide comfort. When someone falls victim to my mouth's firings, I can never seem to verbalize what I'm thinking. Do I wish I knew more words, or do I wish I knew fewer words? Would I rather condense what is inside my brain into one word ("sad"), or would it funtion better if I knew many more words with which to describe the feelings?

mute button,

I wish I could write beautifully. My fingers freeze, just like I choke on my tongue, and nothing is accomplished. My words aren't worthy of the thoughts in my head, and I'm stuck.

German movies and my Apartments.

Apparently, most of the movie GOOD BYE LENIN! was shot on my old street in Berlin (Karl-Marx-Allee), and there is a movie called SONNENALLEE, which is my current street.

Not another one.

I'm experiencing another one of my rare completely sleepless nights. Panicked about my flight, lonelier than I've been in a long time, feeling the fucked up sense of in-between-ness that I've been trying to avoid. I keep downing beer in the hopes that it will put me to sleep -- I'm sucking it down so loudly, I'm surprised Florian doesn't wake up every time it glugs down my throat.

Remember last time? I drank whiskey until dawn, hoping the same thing. I ended up puking at 9am, still completely awake. Alcohol doesn't help with this.

I'm just scared to go home, and scared of everything it might mean. At the same time, I'm scared of what it might not mean. What if I'm gone, and Germany exists without me? What if I get home, and there's no sense of belonging? What if I end up wanting to stay?

Of course, the biggest question of all:
What if I die on the airplane?

(it's my biggest fear)

I'm headed back to the United States on the 28th of June. Due to visa issues (mine runs out at the end of June), I have to stay out of Germany for 3 months.

Right now, I'm sitting in Konstanz, preparing to attempt a quiche. When I started my school hiatus, I decided to learn how to cook. Unless sticking tons of vegetables in a wok, cooking them, and dumping curry over them counts, I have not achieved that goal. I will now embark on a real cooking adventure. I did already make backup plans, in case it doesn't go well: a restaurant.

I bought the ultimate pants today. They are deliciously cheap black jeans from Zara, perfectly cut, just really gorgeous. Not to mention the price, which was definitely right.

I have nothing to do in Konstanz except read, shop, and write. I have been journaling a lot, which is great. Sometimes I wish I had friends or people around who were nosey enough to read it. It would be nice to have someone I couldn't hide from, even if I didn't know about it.

yet again.

This is probably getting old, but what a babe!

Smoking

Cigarettes cover a certain window of time. I realized that, besides nicotine addiction, that is the reason for most of my cigarettes. Right now, the thought process is, "someone will be here by the time I finish this cigarette."

No Explaination Needed

Oh carton of milk, where did you go?
Without any legs, it must have been slow.
We look away, and you're out of our sight!
You're gone, you hid, you've taken flight.
We look in our rooms,and under the table
But you're on the lamb! How were you able?
I know we were sitting, just watching TV,
But we needed you for our coffee and tea.
Now my heart jumps with a small glimpse of blue.
It's hopeless, but still I hope to find you.

Guess who I miss?

Coachella

Are people really still paying for Coachella? I just almost fell asleep reading the lineup. Here is a count of the bands I would like to see on each day. I bet they add up to less that 15 in total.

Friday:
Paul McCartney (and seriously, only for the bragging rights).
Morrissey
Berut
the Black Keys?

Saturday:
The Chemical Brothers
TV on the Radio
Atmosphere
Amanda Palmer?

Sunday:
The Cure (okay, that's awesome)
Yeah Yeah Yeahs
X
Brian Jonestown Massacre
The Friendly Fires (only because they used to share an apartment with a friend of mine)

Final Count: 13. However, I'm being way too optimistic. I'm sure a ton of those would be simultaneous, so I'd probably end up seeing about 7.2 shows. Here are the bands I would settle for, in no order:
Crystal Castles
The Aggrolites
Leonard Cohen
Los Campesinos!
The Killers
MIA
Junior Boys
Devandra Banhart (who's hard to watch, because I find him irritating)
the Kills

Some days, the state of the world seems hopeless. Reading the news just makes me want to give up. Pirates, job losses, war, poverty, shootings -- if I didn't have a naturally terrified disposition, maybe these things wouldn't bother me as much. As it is, events like this don't just bother me as concepts, but I am actually afraid of personally becoming a victim. I feel like every hour I'm alive was made for tiptoeing around, trying to avoid the unavoidable. The unavoidable being, it seems, getting shot by a random stranger, who could at this moment be planning my untimely death while I unsuspectingly type this stupid blog.

Contortion

Even though I've lived here since December, I can't let go of that fake promise of comfort and relaxation usually provided by the shower. Why I still look forward to showers, I can't say -- I know what will happen once it begins, but still I hope. Please, please, please, let something change this time. Ridiculously, before I get in, I make sure the water temperature is correct. I feel it with both hands, already undressed, and climb past the curtain. Following a few seconds of comfort, I can sense a change. I don't know whether I feel it or hear it first, but there is a just-noticeable adjustment in the water pressure. What once felt wonderfully powerful, pounding my back now feels as pointless and irritating as getting poked. Fortunately, I've learned enough to GET OUT OF THE LINE OF FIRE once the water pressure goes down. It is impossible to predict whether the water is about to become too hot or too cold, but one of those extremes must be expected. I am subject to the whims and moods of the plumbing in my apartment building; both of which are regular in frequency (every 10-15 seconds), but completely unpredictable in temperament.

What do the last 2 text message in your inbox say?
They're actually a bit too personal to write on here. Weird, eh?

Who was the last person to smoke a cigarette in your presence?
Laurita.

Do you care for the last person you kissed?
Indeed.

What were you doing at midnight last night?
Schleepin'.

Did you purchase anything on iTunes today?
Not a thing.

How old will you be in 15 months?
22.

Have you ever liked someone that treated you badly?
Not romantically.

When was the last time you got flowers,what kind were they?
I think it was on Valentine's Day four years ago. My parents sent me a rose at school.

What are you listening to?
Friends. I'm "watching" it in the background.

Have you ever injected a drug?
Anyone who knows what I'm like around needles can answer this with a resounding "That's hilarious".

Have you ever been in love with two people at once?
Nope. I don't think I've been in love more than once.

Do you sleep with socks on or off?
I really hate anything touching my feet when I'm sleeping. Last night I fell asleep in thigh high socks, though, and those suckers were THICK.

I bet you miss someone right now?
People at home. People who live far away. My parents. Flori. Friends.

Do you think they miss you?
No idea. I bet my parents do, and Flori does too. The others aren't for certain.

What's on your schedule for tomorrow?
American embassy. Smoothie making. Fixing my haircut?

What should you be doing right now?
Going out with Laurita. I just ditched out because I'm too tired.

Is your hair your natural color?
Nope. Hasn't been since I shaved my head.

What's bothering you?
A lot. Money in particular.

Is today special?
It was a beautiful day and a holiday, apparently.

What is the worst subject they teach in school?
Trigonometry was a pointless class. Maybe if Miss Haych hadn't taught it...

Last person you texted?
Flori, almost a week ago. "Hope everything went well, and you didn't have to wait forever. Just went to the doctor and feeling good. I hope you're nicely drugged, and someone is taking care of you." He had just had surgery.

Do you think you can last in a relationship for 6 months or more?
I've done it before.

Who was the last person you cried in front of?
Flori.

Anything sore on your body?
My throat is a little scratchy.

Olive Garden or Chili's?
I have no idea what Chili's is. Is it Mexican food?

What do you get at Sonic?
I've never even seen a Sonic. Something vegetarian.

Are you in a long distance/​​​​​military/​​​​​out of state relationship?
Indeed I am. I live in Berlin, and my boyfriend lives in Baden-Württemberg. Sucks, eh?

Ever loved someone who died in war?
No.

Are you cheating on anybody?
No.

Would you move to another country to be with the one you love?
I think so.

What did you do today?
Got up, made a foamy latte, sat around and watched Friends with Laura. When we left the house, it was to go to the Monday edition of the Mauerpark Flea Market, and sat there with beverages for a couple of hours. Enjoyed the sun.

Are you a forgiving person?
Never been tested.

Are you younger than 21?
I am, actually.

How clean is your room?
Clothes everywhere and unmade bed. The clothes are leftover from when I decided to try on ALL my dresses.

Where will you be this time next week?
Still in Berlin?

Are you happy right now?
Hard to say.

Where will you be in an hour?
I'm on the brink of falling asleep (as it is 10pm, and I am 20 years old), so I'm guessing in bed.

What were you doing at 1AM?
Schleepin'.

Who was the last person you hugged?
Flori.

Is there any emotion you're trying to avoid right now?
Panic.

Do you own a polo shirt?
Yeah. Chris gave it to me before he went back to OK.

Do you straighten your hair?
Don't need to.

Do you have any piercings?
Four in the ears.

What was the first thing you thought about when you woke up?
No idea.

What did you do last night?
Drank a bit, and watched Friends with Laura.

What is the most important part of your life?
I don't know.

What would you rather be doing right now?
Talking to someone.

What did you last cry over?
An email from my mom.

What is your next day off and how are you going to it?
Tomorrow, I guess.

What always makes you feel better when you are upset?
Talking. I rarely do it, though.

Whats the most important thing you look for in a significant other?
Compatibility.

What are you worried about?
So much.

What are you looking forward to most in this week?
Paying my bills. Seriously. I just want it to be over.

Crank it up!

Well, I feel like ass. Fortunately, as those who know me are aware of, nothing can cheer me up like a delicious smoothie! I went to fetch the ingredients this morning, and found to my horror that the price of strawberries had doubled since I left for Konstanz! I refuse to give in, so I just bought bananas and three different juices, which all blended into an amazing liquid. I just finished it, and want more -- sadly, there is no more ice. Bummer.

I'm going to the Turkish Market later, and plan on buying a kilo of strawberries, then freezing most of them. Maybe some other fruits too? I'll let the force guide me, I suppose.

it's sunny

but I'm broke, and sad, and don't feel like I have a home in the United States anymore.

However, I just got this text message (all spelling/grammar mistakes left in tact):
"Hey yo I work 70 hrs a week lately and I have to be up in six and I have no earthly idea what time it is wherver you may be but I'm falling asleep listenint to mew and I thought of you hope all is well miss ya"

Baldrian

I slept a whole night through last night. I was completely astounded when I woke up and it was light outside.

My eyes are swollen and red. My mind is misty, completely unclear. I'm trying to combat it by eating really well today. I made a delicious smoothie this morning; so stoked I thought to freeze strawberries the other day. I'm probably headed to the Turkish Market today to purchase more ingredients for smoothies or soups. Liquids are great.

11110000101011110000

Early 20s are often pushed aside in favor of teens when considering life's hardest ages. When you're a teenager, it's supposed to be hard because you feel like an adult, but don't actually have any of an adult's rights. You're also supposed to be figuring out who you are, blah blah blah, finding your place in the world, all that shit you hear about all the time.

How about the early 20s? You fluctuate between feeling like a child and feeling completely grown up. Between thinking you are completely independent, and knowing you need others. You still have to figure out all of the same stuff you did as a teenager, but because you're out of high school, the pressure's really on. And if you're lucky enough to have parents who are willing to support you, that willingness begins to wane the moment you leave high school. One of the worst parts is that the way other people treat you is completely unpredictable. They give fuck all about how old you feel, and treat you in ways as varied as... can't think of anything right now, but it's really inconsistent. People usually respect your decisions if they think you're making the right one, but as you're still considered a sort of sub-group of adult, almost no one has any trouble contesting the things you say. No one trusts you, and why should they? There's an enormous possibility that you're going through a feeling-like-a-kid phase and should be talked out of it.

I'm not having the easiest time. I'm scared and lonely.

I'm a huge fan of Mitfahrgelegenheit. I don't know if I've explained this to my beautiful friends at home yet, so I will proceed:
Mitfahrgelegenheit is essentially the same premise as CouchSurfing, except instead of a place to sleep, people provide others with transportation. Actually, the mission statement of CouchSurfing has something to do with bringing the world together, and I don't think Mitfahr is that ambitious. CouchSurfing is also free. Hm. Anyway, what actually happens is that you hop into a stranger's car and hope for the best.
The first time I used this website, I rode to Baden-Baden with four other people. No one spoke to each other, and the guy was a relatively safe driver, I guess, but only because nothing bad actually happens because of speed alone. I drove with the same dude on the way back from Baden (a strange coincidence), and he beckoned me into the front seat and we talked for about an hour. After I had the realization that he was kind of boring, I had an even more paralyzing realization: when you've started a car ride talking to the person next to you, there's no real good time to put your headphones on.
Last time, I drove to Berlin from Konstanz with two of the hugest stoners ever, who listened thrice to the same Police album. Thrice. Thrice, we almost got into accidents. Thrice, the guy in the passenger side screamed, "AAAAAALLLLLLTTTTTAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA".
Sunday, I'm going to drive with another dude. I think he's Turkish, but I couldn't tell exactly from his accent. Excitement will hopefully not ensue.

Consistency is key!

Consistent with the pattern of my life, I feel completely different than when I last wrote. I feel wonderful, actually. Last night, I got out of the house and went with Laura to see The Spinto Band in Prenzlauerberg. One reason it was awesome was that we were actually home before midnight. It was also relatively cheap, and a pretty small venue, nice for a concert of this sort. The reason we were home so early was, well... that's just what happens when you don't really give a shit about the headlining band. I just felt so lucky to be there, because I looked up their tour dates on a complete whim two days ago. I have great luck sometimes.

Good mood may also stem from the hours I've spent sitting in the kitchen with my roommates, looking up songs that we want to sing together on Saturday. I'm not clear on the details, but it seems like someone's friend owns a bar, and there's some weird sort of karaoke thing that we're doing, but with a live band behind us. We're singing a bunch of German drinking songs, dressed very chic, and singing in nice voices. That's the current plan, anyway.

The bathroom has been occupied for almost three hours. What the hell?

I bought a pumpkin a few days ago at the Turkish Market, and now I'm looking up ways to prepare it to be cruelly mashed and turned into Pumpkin-Ginger bisque. I'm kind of inventing the recipe, so we'll just see how it turns out. I'll take pictures, I'm sure, since I'm really obsessed with photographing my meals for some reason.

Even though I haven't really been a productive human being in the traditional sense (i.e. having a job, etc.), I feel productive. Mostly because I have birthday presents for both Hannah (who is coming to Berlin next week), and Florian (who I am going to visit this weekend).