Nunc Dimittis

is the name of the story by Roald Dahl that I'm reading right now. The book it's in is lying open next to me, and I have decided to dedicate this remarkably uninteresting entry of my blog to it.

I've been having a hard time recently. I can't help but compare myself to other people. I'm finding myself growing vulnerabler (fuck off) each day, and my lack of ambition is irritating even to me. Here is the conversation that I am hearing every moment in my head:
"You, Jordan, are an untalented, lazy slob."
"But, that's not necessarily true! I am actually pretty smart, and think I can coax some productivity out of myself if I try harder!"
"But you know you won't try harder. You're too lazy. That's why you're fat too, by the way."
"Enough people have found me attractive for me to start believing it, though!"
"Attractive people don't have to talk themselves into self-confidence! Anyway, no matter how good you look, it doesn't chance the fact that you're an untalented, lazy slob."
et cetera.

I've also started realizing how uncomplicated my friends at home are. This was an adjective I would never have come up with on my own, but you know how sometimes a person who is speaking a second language uses these amazingly straightforward words? Ruth describes people with this word in a way that explicitly expresses how valuable she finds this quality. It's a quality I've always found attractive, but since I'm jaded by knowledge of the English language, I would say, perhaps, "nice", which makes the person in question sound a bit bland. (Is that just me?). Anyway, we are used to describing human quality in these specific words that exist for that purpose. Words that are both the opposite of "complicated" and used regularly to describe people generally imply stupidity. Maybe that's harsh, but it's definitely something leaning in that direction.

The people I prefer are not stupid. They are intelligent, unpretentious, and usually too lazy or exhausted to pretend to be anyone they are not. I miss them so much.