The people who read my blog...

have the privilege (is it really?) of knowing what's going on in my life.

The e-mail I sent my parents:

Hey guys. Sorry Mama, I couldn't make it onto Facebook this mornin' before school. I've just decided to e-mail you what's going on so that you don't have to freak out anymore, and I don't have to be scared shitless to talk to ya'll.

Actually, I'm not as scared as I was yesterday. I started exercising every day (swimming!), and realized that for the first time, I can basically meditate while I'm doing it and really figure things out in my own head. The only thing I was scared of is not knowing how you would react, and this whole email thing takes away that fear, so I can be really be clear. It also keeps me from crying which I tend to do no matter what when I'm frustrated, as you probably know.

My thesis statement: I've decided to take a hiatus from University and stay in Germany for longer than the originally planned year.

Okay, to be clear. This hiatus does NOT mean that I'm going to stop studying. However, after spending another month in this FU-BEST program, I realized that it's the only thing that makes me miserable around here. I've expressed some of my frustrations with it before: they don't care that much about the language program, they make you spend insane amounts of time with other americans, etc. Also, I realized that none of the classes that I'm taking or could be taking count for any sort of credit toward my degree. Although nothing is final, I've already sent e-mails to my professors and the admissions director telling her I am planning on cancelling my participation. Considering the money for this semester, I don't know exactly how much you guys are paying out of pocket, but I plan on paying you back for that amount as quickly as possible. If it's the school loans that pay, I'll pay those back anyway. And I just want to make clear, this isn't because I'm doing badly academically; I actually got good grades last semester, like usual.

After my participation in this program is finished, I have two options depending on what happens with my student visa. One: I get a job until summer (which yes, I am legally allowed to do with my student visa), when I can either begin an intensive German course in June or in August. Two: in the case of my visa getting taken away, I would need to start my intensive German course as soon as I could, since I can get another student visa through that program. The language center I'm looking at costs about $550 for three months, and I would prefer to work for a while first, since I would like to be able to pay for it myself. After I take German language classes for a while, I want to study to take a fluency test that allows you to enroll in any German university. When I've taken these classes (which shouldn't take years or anything, so this is actually realistic), I want to enroll into a teacher training program and learn how to be an English as a Foreign Language teacher, which is something I've been toying with for the past 5 months. Then, I could try to get a job as a teacher, and if I can't find work, I'll at least be academically fluent in German AND a certified teacher!

Basically, my reasoning for this is that I've kind of been miserable with school since I entered university (and kind of in high school too). I'm really not just being dramatic here: I've never really felt like I was making a decision until I thought of the above plan. I've always just kind of done what was easiest for me: graduated high school after four years in the same school, started university the next semester, blah blah blah. Honestly, I've always wanted to do something different, something that I felt something for, and really wanted to do. As my parents, I'm sure you've noticed that when something doesn't interest me, I have negative motivation, whereas when something inspires me, I really commit. I am sick of not feeling anything for school, and I want to be motivated. Sitting in these classes that I know I don't need makes my schooling feel pointless. Also, I'm just not sure I want to study English Literature. I love reading, and I love writing, but I don't know what I really want my course of study to be. I always find that when I tell people what I'm studying, even I feel like the topic I'm saying out loud is a bit... dull. Essentially, I just want to feel passionately about something.

I also know that with this program, I'm absolutely not gaining fluency in German. The only thing that really helps me is talking to other people and studying new grammar rules from my book. That, as I said before I left, is the reason I came to Germany. I don't want to beef up my language skills while I'm here, then come back home and see them evaporate back into basic knowledge. I want to be sure of myself when speaking, and have this test prove to me that I am not just verbally fluent in this language, but can be intelligent. Right now, I talk like a creepy baby with a mature vocabulary.

I'm not sure what I left out, but I'm sure I forgot something. I'm sorry to do this over e-mail, but I was just getting more and more nervous to talk to you, and I wanted to tell you what was going on before I talked to the administrations at my program. Like I said, I don't know if you'll be angry, disappointed, or supportive, which is what scared me most of all. The only thing I can hope is that I did an articulate job of explaining myself, so at the very least, you'll understand what my motivation is. You've done well enough as parents for me to know that you'll always love me, I just really want you to be proud of the decisions I'm making for myself, especially because I'm scared to start a different course. I am proud of myself, though, for doing something about being unhappy. I don't really feel like I've ever done that before.

I love you guys!

Jordi