Not another one.

I'm experiencing another one of my rare completely sleepless nights. Panicked about my flight, lonelier than I've been in a long time, feeling the fucked up sense of in-between-ness that I've been trying to avoid. I keep downing beer in the hopes that it will put me to sleep -- I'm sucking it down so loudly, I'm surprised Florian doesn't wake up every time it glugs down my throat.

Remember last time? I drank whiskey until dawn, hoping the same thing. I ended up puking at 9am, still completely awake. Alcohol doesn't help with this.

I'm just scared to go home, and scared of everything it might mean. At the same time, I'm scared of what it might not mean. What if I'm gone, and Germany exists without me? What if I get home, and there's no sense of belonging? What if I end up wanting to stay?

Of course, the biggest question of all:
What if I die on the airplane?

(it's my biggest fear)